For short time in first year, I had no work to do (ha). During this brief time I wrote a series of spoof-screenplays with my flatmates. I thought you might enjoy this one in particular, as it’s my own favourite:
THE LORD OF THE MATRIX
Computer: Wake up, Frodo…
The ring has you
Follow the grey wizard
Frodo: Follow the grey wizard
(Frodo pushes escape key)
Computer: Knock knock Frodo…
(Knock at the door)
Frodo: Who is it?
Pippin: It’s me Frodo!
Agent Saruman: As you can see, we’ve had Sauron’s eye on you for quite some time now, Mr Baggins. It seems that you’ve been living two lives. In one life, you’re Frodo A. Baggins, a simple Hobbit boy, working on a respectable farm, you have a barbecue, you play in the shire, and you help your uncle carry out his garbage. The other life is lived in the one ring, where you go by the hero alias Frodo and are guilty of every good deed Mordor has a law against. One of these lives has a future, and one of them does not. I’m going to be as forthcoming as I can be, Mr. Baggins. You’re here because we need your help. We know that you’ve been contacted by a certain individual, a man who calls himself Gandalf. Now whatever you think you know about this man is irrelevant. He is considered by many authorities to be the most dangerous wizard alive. My colleagues believe that I am wasting my time with you but I believe that you wish to do the right thing. We’re willing to wipe the slate clean, give you a fresh start and all that we’re asking in return is your cooperation in bringing a known wizard to justice.
Frodo: Yeah. Wow, that sounds like a really good deal. But I think I got a better one. How about I give you the finger… and you give me my ring.
Agent Saruman: Um, Mr. Baggins. You disappoint me.
Frodo: You can’t scare me with this Nazghoul crap. I know my rights. I want my ring.
Agent Saruman: Tell me, Mr. Baggins, what good is a ring if you don’t have any fingers? (Frodo struggles) Or any toes? (Frodo suddenly falls over). You’re going to help us, Mr. Baggins whether you want to or not.
(Pippin leads Frodo to the door)
Pippin: This is it. Let me give you one piece of advice. Be honest. He knows more than you can imagine.
Gandalf: At last. Welcome, Frodo. As you no doubt have guessed, I am Gandalf.
Frodo: It’s an honour to meet you.
Gandalf: No, the honour is mine. Please, come. Sit down. I imagine that right now you’re feeling a bit like Bilbo, tumbling down the Hobbit hole? Hm?
Frodo: You could say that.
Gandalf: I can see it in your eyes. You have the look of a Hobbit who accepts what he sees because he is expecting to wake up. Ironically, this is not far from the truth. Do you believe in fate, Frodo?
Gandalf: Why not?
Frodo: Because I don’t like the idea that I’m not in control of my life.
Gandalf: I know exactly what you mean. Let me tell you why you’re here. You’re here because you know something. What you know you can’t explain. But you feel it. You’ve felt it your entire life. That there’s something wrong with middle earth. You don’t know what it is but it’s there, like a splinter in your mind driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I’m talking about?
Frodo: The Ring?
Gandalf: Do you want to know what IT is? The Ring is everywhere. It is all around us, even now in this very room. You can see it when you look out your window or when you look into the fire. You can feel it when you go to work, when you go to church, when you plough your field. It is the cloak that will be pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.
Frodo: What truth?
Gandalf: That you are a slave, Frodo. Like everyone else you were born into bondage, born into a tubular prison from which you cannot escape. A prison for your mind and finger…. Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Ring is. You have to wear it for yourself. This is your last chance. After this there is no turning back. You take the blue ring, the story ends; you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the one ring, you stay in middle earth, and I show you how deep the Hobbit hole goes…. Remember, all I’m offering is the Ring, nothing more….
(Music: Who wants to be a millionaire? soundtrack)
WHO WANTS TO BE A RINGBEARER?
(Frodo and Chris Tarrant sit at Who wants to be a Ringbearer? Machine)
So, Frodo, you have your shire, you want the Ring but you have just one question to answer… And your question, for One Ring is… Do you, a) take the blue ring, (holds out hand), b) take the one ring (holds out other hand), c) cry like a little Hobbit girl or d) search for weapons of mass destruction? Remember you have three lifelines, none of which you have used. You can ask the audience, use a 50:50, or phone a friend.
Frodo: I’d like a 50:50 please Chris.
Tarrant: No problem. Computer, (he pushes button) please take away two wrong answers for Frodo.
So you have now a choice between the blue ring and the one ring. Any ideas?
Frodo: No I’m still unsure Chris, can I ask the audience?
Tarrant: Of course, audience, do your stuff… (pushes button)
Ja Ja Binx: Mesa thinks he should a pika the ze one ring
(Audience poll= 99% one Ring)
Tarrant: So… the audience seem to think you should pick the one ring.
Frodo: Can I still phone a friend?
Tarrant: Of course you can, who would you like to call?
Frodo: I’d like to call Gollum please Chris
Tarrant: Okay, we’re calling Gollum. (Phone rings)
Tarrant, Hello Gollum it’s Chris Tarrant from who wants to be a ring bearer, can you help your friend Frodo here with question?
Gollum: Yess… I will try, the Hobbits are our friends
Gollum: You don’t have any friends!
Tarrant: Okay then Frodo, you have 30 seconds with Gollum starting… now!
Frodo: Hi Gollum, it’s Frodo. The question is, which ring should I pick, a) the blue-one, or b) the one-one?
Gollum: I would pick, um, the erm, the blue one, the blue one, yess… the blue one!
Frodo: Okay Chris, I think I can make my decision now…
Sam: No, wait, (Sam hobbles onto stage) don’t you eat that Ring Frodo Baggins, you know I likes the blue ones!
(Sam scoffs ring)
Frodo: Ahh crap, Sam, why did you eat the blue, ring? I was gonna choose that one!
Sam: Sorry Frodo, I was just so hungry.
Frodo: Oh well then Chris… I guess it’s the one ring then.
Tarrant: Is that your final answer?
Frodo: It’s the only ring left!
Tarrant: Are you sure?
Frodo: I’m certain it’s the only ring left!
(Frodo tries to push answer button but Chris Tarrant holds him back)
Tarrant: Okay, were going to cut for a short break, but join us when we get back on ‘Who wants to be a Ringbearer?’ where we will out if Frodo here is right to choose the one ring.
CITY CENTRE CONTSRUCT
(Gandalf and Frodo walk along a busy city street)
Gandalf: Middle Earth is a system, Frodo. That system is our enemy. But when you’re inside, you look around. What do you see? Hobbits, Orcs, Ents, Dwarves, Elves. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system, and that makes them our enemy. You have to understand; most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inert, so hopelessly dependent on the system that they will fight to protect it. Were you listening to me Frodo, or were you looking at the Hobbit woman in the red dress?
Frodo: I was…
Gandalf: Look again. Freeze it.
(The hobbit woman has turned into an Uruk-Hai in a red dress with smudged lipstick and bow and arrow)
Frodo: This…this isn’t Middle Earth?
Gandalf: No, it’s training enchantment designed to teach you one thing. If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
Frodo: What are they?
Gandalf: Uruk-Hai. They were made in the very bowels of Mordor. That means that they are even more evil and dangerous than Orcs. We have survived by hiding from them, by running from them. But they are the fastest. They are guarding all the doors. They are burning all the trees, which means that sooner or later, someone is going to have to fight them.
Gandalf: I won’t lie to you, Frodo. Every single Hobbit or Elf who has stood their ground, everyone who has fought an Uruk-Hai has died. But where they have failed, you will succeed.
Gandalf: I’ve seen an Uruk-Hai punch through a stone wall. Men have emptied entire quivers at them and hit nothing but air. Yet their strength and their speed are still based in a world that is built on evil. Because of that, they will never be as strong or as fast as you can be.
Frodo: What are you trying to tell me, that I can dodge arrows?
Gandalf: No Frodo. I’m trying to tell you that when you’re ready, you won’t have to.
A HOBBIT’S QUEST
(Frodo and Pippin are walking through the countryside)
Pippin: Hold up, Firm Frodo, what’s that
Frodo: It’s my belt Pippin
Pippin: No Frodo, there’s a sword in your trousers, what is a sword… doing in your trousers
Frodo: It’s for protection.
Pippin: Protection from what, ze Orcs?
Frodo: We’ll yeah actually Pippin.
Pippin: So what stopping it from cutting your nuts off every time you sit down?
Frodo: Probably this sheath Pippin.
Pippin: Oh right… Frodo
Frodo: Yes Pippin?
Pippin: Can I touch your sword?
Frodo: Not a chance in Mordor Pippin.