Impact’s Guide To… The-night-before-it’s-due-in-essays

Necessary ingredients:

6 can pack of Red Bull/Relentless/both
1 kg of chocolate
Jar of coffee and suitably over-sized mug
Facebook account
Book/s on the relevant subject
Speed dial arrangement: 1) Dino’s, 2) Last orders, 3) your nerdy mate
N.B. A night-before-it’s-due-essay is only valid if the essay is started at 10PM the night before.


You will find that you have never been more interested in looking at that guy-you-randomly-added’s photos from his night out to Oceana. Nor will you ever use the Facebook chat application more in your life to tell your mates “This essay is shit!” or “I’ve done 300 words, how many have you done?” in the faint hope he’s still stuck on 100, the stupid dickhead.

1) Begin by making an irrelevant point, and ensure you incorrectly footnote your essay by picking a page at random to give any point authenticity. Concomitantly, develop a newfound interest in a random subject (i.e. any article on the ‘Random Article’ link on the Wikipedia page); any form of procrastination is allowable at this stage.

2) Panic sets in at 3AM when you realise your introduction and subsequent paragraphs do not answer the question. Cue a nonchalant response, because you don’t give a shit. Ensue panic as you realise that you are threatening your degree. Cry over diminished future career aspirations, and how your dream job will actually turn into a dead-end administrative Hell.

3) Re-focus by consuming four cans of Red Bull, and finishing your Dairy Milk bar. Peak by writing one thousand words in the space of three minutes as sugar passes through your brain, and rests in your heart. Cue a lapse in energy, and a realisation that your essay is now about Ghanaian literature from the 1960s, your new area of expertise, thanks to Wikipedia.

4) Fall asleep for five hours. Wake up, saliva drenching and rotting your laptop keyboard, and write as much as you know about the French Revolution, adding in relevant material from the BBC Bitesize website. Miss all of today’s lectures to do essay. Hand in your essay, date-stamping it with a minute to spare.

5) Rejoice! The panic is over for another three weeks. Treat yourself to a night out at Oceana, where you bump into the guy-you-randomly-added. Wake up the next morning with a munter in your bed.

James Adams-Pace


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