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Impact’s Guide to Twitter

Are you a self-publicising megalomaniac? Are you bored with reading Facebook statuses updating you on a long lost friend’s fragile mental state? – Then Twitter may be for you. Described casually as a micro-blogging service, Twitter connects unlikely people together for professional and personal relationships by asking one question, “What are you doing?” Your answers to this question, over time, form your profile, which is essentially an open journal for all to see. It has turned into a phenomenon, reaching all ends of the world and allowing an insight into any conceivable lifestyle.

Follow these 5 steps to twitter nirvana:

1. Sign up on the website (www.twitter.com) and look beyond the shockingly bad design by downloading a twitter ‘client’ such as TweetDeck, step back and admire your new found reclusiveness.

2. Fellate your ego by creating a bio of yourself starting with the words, ‘experienced’, ‘professional’ or ‘talented’.

3. Start following random celebrities, begin with Jonathan Ross (@wossy) and Stephen Fry (@stephenfry), then add more obscure people such as Philip Schofield (@Schofe), Boris Johnson (@mayoroflondon) and renowned porn star Jenna Haze (@jenxstudios)

4. Sign up for a Tweetup or Twestival, an event where fellow twitterers get together and talk about how they have cut their average daily masturbation rate by half since being a twitterer. Marvel at the number of receding hairlines and how over-flattering profile pictures are far too common. If you’re lucky, take advantage of very high profile twitterers for your career (the real reason why most people are part of the community).

5. Check your twitter grade at http://twitter.grader.com, If you are above 90, Congratulations, you have joined an elite group. Post your result online and watch your followers grow by the day. This may also be a good time to take a photo of a shocking event to upload to your profile. Take for example Janis Krums (@jkrums), owner of the very first picture of the Hudson river plane crash, he rose to questionable stardom- for a bit.

 All in all, Twitter makes me feel uneasy. Elements are reminiscent of an adult networking site and many members tweet everything from their dinner menu to the state of their carpet. Do however take advantage of Twitter, meet some people and at the very least, you may get a shag out of it.

James Sanderson

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