The Impact Guide To… Getting a computer in Hallward

Exams are on the horizon once again. With the air of refugees trudging towards an aid camp, the students of Nottingham take up residence in the library, fully equipped with weeks’ worth of supplies, sleeping bags, and industrial-sized packets of Pro Plus.

It’s happened to us all: haggard, bruised and exhausted, you’ve battled your way through short loan, securing the book that will save your essay (leaving dying coursemates in your wake; harsh times call for harsh measures). But horror – there’s not a free computer in sight. After half an hour’s wait, you realise that guy across from you is doing nothing but watching YouTube videos of animals killing each other. Why?! And more importantly, doesn’t he realise you need that computer?

Sighing and staring pointedly just doesn’t make the cut any more. If you want a computer, drastic measures are called for.

Try out some of these:

1. Stand directly behind the offending YouTuber/Facebooker. Fill your mouth with crisps, then erupt into hacking plague-coughs. Refuse to move. If crisps don’t work, try yoghurt.
2. Edge closer to them, breathing heavily. If they’re not put off by this, stroke their face and murmur, “I like touching things…”
3. Sashay over to someone, ruffle their hair and declare that this style is ALL wrong for them, darling. Get out the scissors. If they’re dedicated enough to stay, they’re dedicated enough to lose their hair.
4. Some people have the irritating habit of locking their computers then wandering off for social engagements, leaving coats and books as a signal they will return. If they’ve been gone too long, burn their belongings. It won’t get you a computer but it’ll be satisfying.
5. Get naked and start doing warm up exercises (lunges tend to work pretty well) next to their chair.
6. Lean over their shoulder to obtain their university username. Run to the short stay computers and barrage their inbox with emails elaborately explaining that there is a detonator inside the computer triggered by one of the letters on the keyboard. “Ask yourself… Am I feeling lucky?”
7. Take up residence under the computer desk, occasionally make ‘Gollumesque’ giggling noises, lick their toes, and occasionally pull out plugs.
8. Dress as a computer and lure the occupant away, enticing them with promises of faster internet, free printing, and a facebook application that pimps out your profile to a Godly level. Then hit the victim with a blunt object and steal his computer. Don’t feel guilty; someone that easily mislead needs to be hit with a heavy object. The fact that yours was blunt can be seen as an act of selfless compassion.

Impact takes no responsibility for injury, arrest or loss of friends that may occur while undertaking these activities.

Lucy Hayes

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