Travelling, inevitably, involves a fair amount of transport. What everyone neglected to tell me was the sheer amount of troubles even the most simple journeys could bring about.
The main problems are undoubtedly going to involve some kind of embarrassing situation or some kind of absolute lunatic. The worst problems feature both.
Coaches are the preferred transportation method chosen by odd individuals. In the past I have endured eight hours sat next to a man with an imaginary friend. Actually, it was more of an imaginary enemy, as he spent the entire journey swearing and picking fights with himself. On the same coach I watched two complete strangers fall in love. They boarded single, struck up a conversation, and left a few hours later with the prenuptials already signed. This was a coach heading to Las Vegas – enough said.
I also don’t appreciate certain transport types known as ‘The Recliners’. We’ve all experienced them, they’re the vermin on trains, planes and automobiles who recline their seat so far back into your face that you get wedged in and well acquainted with your meal tray. Recliners are only slightly less vile than snorers but both deserve a good kick in the back of the seat (or head). I look forward to a future when I will have a baby trained to endlessly cry, scream and poo as payback.
Obviously planes are particularly soul destroying, especially if you fly with Easyjet because the pilot is likely to be a seven-year-old child. At least with long haul you get a meal, a blanket and an air steward who won’t shout ‘weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!’ as the plane suddenly nosedives.
Public transport always results in certain individuals demonstrating unique ‘talents’. And if these aren’t the kind of abilities that warrant a guaranteed place on the sex offenders list, they will most certainly be vocally offensive. The worst I’ve experienced has to be that of a young boy showing off his rapping skills in LA (or lack thereof). Six stops later, I thoroughly understood why gun crime is so high in the United States.
And finally, why is it that luggage is always a cause for great humiliation during travel? It’s a sure thing that regardless how carefully you pack your bag, something embarrassing will find its way out. You’ll want to get your train ticket and instead a pair of knickers will fly out at an alarming speed. And it doesn’t matter how many times you pack a bra at the bottom, it will always end up in the face of a train conductor.
Unfortunately for a friend of mine, a hastily packed bag resulted in a selection of recently washed (but still soaking wet) knickers being manhandled by customs. And I’ll never forget my entire toiletry bag rolling down the aisle of a busy train in Italy. Not surprisingly the most embarrassing items found their way furthest down the carriage.
So let this be a warning to anyone considering a travelling adventure in the near future. Do not expect pleasant journeys. Do not expect hassle-free journeys. And never expect a normal journey. But, regardless of the humiliating times, the infuriating and the suicidal times, it’ll be the experiences, the opportunities and even the crazy nutcases who make the trip all the more exciting and memorable.