Vent your spleen: The Credit Crunch

The Credit Crunch: how can anybody take this financial term seriously? Not only does it sound like a new variety of cereal from Kellogg’s, but also, can any alliterative phrase be threatening in any capacity? Just think: the swinging sixties, good as gold, sweet sixteen… All evoke happy and nostalgic memories, not the worst recession since the early twentieth century. Nonetheless, we too often now hear, “Credit Crunch, tut, terrible, isn’t it?” banally echoed in every conversation concerning money, and so it’s important to know which ‘Crunch’ to use, and when. The most irritating aspect of the ‘Crunch’ is that people don’t know when to use it, so they decide to use it all the time. Thus, many forms of the Credit Crunch have evolved, all with their own particular uses.

So, you have the ‘Correct Crunch’ – accurately referring to a situation that has been affected because of the Credit Crunch – example: “Ford had to make 300 workers redundant today,” “Tut, Credit Crunch, again.”

Then there’s the ‘Classic Crunch’, referring to a situation that has nothing to do with the Credit Crunch but individuals tenuously associate it with it anyway – example: “Karen lost her job today (after spreading malicious rumours about her boss),” “Tut, Credit Crunch, again.”

Next, the ‘Comic Crunch’, where someone thinks they know what they’re talking about, but get it utterly wrong – “Blimey, this can of Foster’s used to be 2p cheaper,” “Tut, Credit Crunch, again.”

Then, finally, there is the ‘Curious Crunch’, referring to a situation that is so out of context and that couldn’t have anything less to do with the Credit Crunch, and yet people somehow manage to get a ‘Crunchy’ in there, implying questionable intelligence for the Cruncher – example: “England are playing terribly still, they’re never going to win the Ashes,” “Tut, Credit Crunch, again.”
Such idiocy should be made illegal, for it has caused many a person to wince and shudder in disbelief as the term gets bandied around, loses its meaning, and causes others to lose the will to live.

When people superfluously refer to the Credit Crunch in front of you, stop them and remove their tongue, whether they be your mother, lover or any other. The madness must end.

James Adams-Pace

FeaturesThis Issue

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