As homage to the slightly more raunchy back issues of Impact in its various forms, we have decided to put sex back into the magazine. Unsure whether we could begin with full-on hardcore pornography, we decided to ease into it with a choice selection of anecdotes from ‘romantic unions’ that have gone a little, if you’ll excuse the pun, tits up.
We all know and love the banjo string, and (especially males) yearn for it to stay intact and unharmed. One unfortunate couple, embarking upon their first time at the tender age of 17, quickly realised that something was not quite right. The girl, distressed, burst into tears while our young gallant assessed the damage. Apparently his penis was too big for his foreskin; the girl in question sadly sighed, “He needed to be circumcised but during our union he never was; thus, we broke up”.
Coital disaster is prone to strike when you try to spice up mundane rumpy-pumpy by experimenting with new things. One girl, deciding her boyfriend would enjoy a little taste of S+M, gave him an enthusiastic spank mid-rumpy – too enthusiastic, it turned out. The pain and shock caused his purple-headed soldier to, shall we say, come over all soft.
Romantic situations can all too easily get messy – none more so than in the case of an unfortunate student who got a sudden nose bleed while orally pleasuring his lady. Another girl found her romantic night in ruined when she started suffering from unexpected face spasms while in flagrante. There’s no better way to say ‘I love you’ than sporadically pulling a pained and grotesque expression!
One distressed Impacter had a worse story to confess to the eagerly awaiting crowd in the office; after a session of startlingly rough sex at the end of term, he returned home, nursing his injuries. Unthinkingly, he wore a wifebeater around the house only to have his dad exclaim, “Bloody hell, have you been in a fight? …With a cat?!” (That’ll be ImpCat)
Another traumatised Impact writer suffered a highly embarrassing injury, a terrifying possibility for anyone performing fellatio. She was merrily blowing away when her partner said words to the effect of “orgasm is approaching”. Pulling back to avoid a mouthful of (highly calorific) semen, she was not quite fast enough to get out of firing range. His manjuice hit her square in the eye; while he was lying back feeling quite pleased with himself, she was running to the bathroom in terror. Her eyesight was in grave danger – but that was not the only problem. At the time she was a sixteen-year-old schoolgirl, with her mother blissfully under the impression she was staying over at a girl friend’s house. How was she going to explain the next day if she was blinded by jizz?
Alcohol, as Shakespeare said, has a tendency to “provoke the desire yet inhibit the performance”. One girl, inebriated though she was, was determined not to let her performance be inhibited by the fact that she’d bought someone home without considering her underwear situation. She was wearing a pair of the hugest tummy-tucking knickers in the world – for anyone who has encountered Spanx, Bridget Jones ain’t got shit on those babies. Fortunately she was able to rid herself of them while her fellow was momentarily distracted, desperately flinging them into the nearest room. However in the morning her housemates were less than pleased to find them draped over the toaster.
Far, far worse was the story of one medic who bashfully recounted a failed night of passion. All seemed to be going well, but once his boxers were off, she was frankly intimidated by what she was confronted by. He mentioned that his sizeable wang was a problem for some girls, but she decided to give it a go. The act commenced. She joyfully cried, “Actually, it feels fine!” A look of worry crossed his face. “Um… It’s only half in.”
“I have to go now.” Extricating herself from him and the bed, she stumbled naked from the room, dressing on her way to the door and drunkenly out to a world hopefully filled with lesser-endowed men.
Though perhaps, no drunk sex story can beat this: their eyes met across a crowded club, passion overcame them, and they consummated their brief yet beautiful relationship against a wall outside Stealth. And that is the good part. Later, she enquired if he was getting a taxi home – “Oh no, my dad’s giving me a lift.” Dad?!
Turns out this reveller was in fact underage, and at 17 shouldn’t even have been in Stealth. The heroine of the tale, a second year, realised that this was not quite kosher. However – alcohol makes you do funny things – she accepted a lift home off her illicit lover’s father, then only to learn that also in the car was the young boy’s girlfriend who had been abandoned in favour of back-alley copulation. Awkward doesn’t quite cover it.
Going for an older guy doesn’t always make it easier. A Philosophy student was swept off her feet by a good-looking, mature and experienced man; he’d spent years travelling all over the globe and thrilled her with his life stories. Upon going back to his, she realised her mistake. Years of travelling doesn’t make for a high income; not only did he still live with his parents, but he shared a bunk-bed with his brother. They went ahead and did it anyway. Quietly.
Even sober sex presents an array of slightly embarrassing situations; sweaty stomachs slapping together, original, fanny and even combined body farts, jaw-locking issues, ungainly position changes… However some people don’t even try to keep the mood going. One girl, due to her ‘large’ ex-boyfriend, realised she only had Magnum condoms to offer her new partner. He tried one out and, when he realised it fit, he did a double fist pump and literally skipped back to the bed.
But before you’re at the stage of skipping merrily to Bedfordshire, there’s the terror of awkward moments – before nudity, but when you both know what you’re there for. One hopeful Casanova was innocently chatting with a girl in his room, though he was eager for beaver. Before his designs on x-rated fumbles could commence, a condom flew under the door and hit her in the foot. Unfortunately his housemate had chosen this very moment to return some unused condoms after borrowing a pack earlier. At her appalled face, he realised that nervously shouting “It must be sex o’clock!” hadn’t been the way to deal with this.
And, as a finale, let’s talk about ‘the back passage’. After trying out the dirt track, one boy found that when he withdrew, his penis wasn’t the only thing to come out… In an ungentlemanly (though understandable) manner, he made his lady friend clean up. However – perhaps an act of defiance on her part – over a week later, he found a stray poo nugget on the windowsill.
I’ll leave you with that image.