Word on the street is that it’s pretty tough to get a job these days, so it’s all the rage to remain a student for as long as is humanly possible. The only snag with this ingenious plan is that it’s pretty bloody pricey. So Impact has brainstormed a couple of ideas to help you out and keep you laughing all the way to…your graduation ceremony.
1) Marry a millionaire – follow the classic Marilyn blueprint and snag yourself a highly wealthy older gentleman… Reserve sexual favours until he ‘takes interest’ in your academic future.
2) Get a good poker face, learn to count cards and go to Vegas ‘21’ style (yes, I know that’s pontoon, but I’ve heard poker is rather lucrative too), earn your thousands and pull a Kate Bosworth look-a-like.
3) Pull a ‘tipping-the-velvet’ – find a rich, mature lesbian, explore your sexuality whilst being a kept woman… All in exchange for a loss of dignity and being put on a pedestal to be admired by similar minded women – albeit naked, painted gold and wearing a rather large rudimentary dildo.
4) Go on who wants to be a millionaire (or some other random game show). It worked for the Slumdog guy anyway.
5) Find a very rare and highly desirable antique in your shed and take it to our favourite perma-tanned dealer David Dickinson.
6) Tempt Theo Paphitis to invest in some shit product you invent: hang around in various Ryman flagship stores to pounce on him when least expected.
7) Write a highly plagiarised fantasy novel and earn millions – N.B. aim for the teenage girl market to increase maximum blockbuster impact. For an extra million, include a couple of vampires.
8) Invest in stocks and shares – O.K, I have absolutely no idea how this works, but some people have been very successful doing so.
9) Become an arrogant twat and have your own cooking show. Surefire win.