Vent Your Spleen: The Little People

Is it just me, (and I really hate to be that person that starts an article with the words “Is it just me” it’s almost as bad as “I’m not a racist, but…”) but are children taking over the world? Tiny, tiny, celebrity children that sing and dance and get in your face on TV and everywhere else when they should be playing with Lego or Barbie or something similar. Right now, the biggest new star in the States is fifteen-year-old YouTube singer Justin Bieber. He’s FIFTEEN and he needs an army of security personnel everywhere he goes because he’s so face-meltingly famous; I’m amazed his head doesn’t implode with the sheer force of his own ridiculously disproportionate age-to-eminence ratio. I remember a time, not all that long ago, when you had to be an adult to be properly famous. Golden days, they were. Steps might have been shit but at least they were old enough to drink the lyrics to 5, 6, 7, 8 into obscurity every night, if they should have so wished.

I blame Miley Cyrus. She hit the big time at fifteen, and it’s hard to believe she’s only seventeen now when you consider that that makes it just two years since the Western media wasn’t saturated with her presence. I’m struggling to remember a time before everyone knew who she was. Her age is even harder to believe during her occasional bouts of ill-advised promiscuity, namely those topless pictures in Vanity Fair or her very recent and very odd ice-cream cart pole gyration, live on the Teen Choice Awards. There’s something not quite right about a fifteen year old singing songs about even an innocent serious romantic involvement anyway; two kisses from a Jonas brother doesn’t qualify as a relationship Miley, so stop singing about how in love you are/were/will be as soon as you see him again. Bieber’s videos for singles One Time and One Less Lonely Girl both involve him jigging around nearby various young ladies with a romantic and vaguely sexualised maturity that manages to be concerningly inappropriate and breathtakingly annoying at the same time. I don’t care if I sound like an overprotective, middle-aged mother: it’s weird and wrong. Step away from the underage girls, Bieber. Well away.

It’s only a matter of time before the average age of the celebrity drops to the same roundabout figure in the UK, by which time only foetuses will be able to make it big in America. It’s already happening in fact. Apparently Pixie Lott, aged 19, just isn’t young enough to be the domineering pretty blonde female of the British charts, so this year NME will be drafting in Daisy Dares You, aka FIFTEEN-year-old fair-headed child of bohemian/indie declension Daisy Colburn, as a replacement. At the minute she only looks about ten, so she should have a good few months in the public eye ahead of her yet.

Gabby DeMatteis

6 Comments on this post.
  • Peter Ohanraohanraohanrahan
    12 March 2010 at 13:47
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    I don’t really think it’s been that big a change. Britney Spears hit the scene 10 years ago. She was 16. A slew of other singers her age became famous around the same time.

    Michael Jackson was a famous star before he even hit his tees. That was decades ago.

    Not really sure why you think there’s anything new here.

  • Bailey jenkins
    16 March 2010 at 16:50
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    justin bieber you are sooooo hot omg

  • Michela Maples
    16 March 2010 at 17:38
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    Its not all about how old you are, its about what every likes sooo yeah keep thinking what u want..

  • Gabby
    16 March 2010 at 23:11
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    Peter, Michela, I’m sorry to have wronged you via my evidently inflammatory and ill-considered comments on Cyrus, Beiber, Jonas etc. I think I’m just enraged/bitter because I’m a past-it 19-year-old who hasn’t even had a single in the top 10.

  • James
    17 March 2010 at 00:25
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    PeterOhanroononhan, this article is just a bit of fun, why are you taking it so seriously?! It’s not a dissertation on popular culture, it’s a comedy piece called ‘the little people’!

    get a life mate

  • makenzie
    21 March 2010 at 05:31
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    i love love love u

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