Five Ways to get a Date, or a Restraining Order

Back in the days of Jane Austen, a girl could simply look pretty and act helpless and have any man at her beck and call. However, in the 21st century, things are different. In order to bag her man, it is no longer enough for a girl to rely on her natural allure, instead she must have a carefully sought out plan of attack. After vast amounts of research and observation, we have created a bullet-proof five step guide to getting the attention of that special someone…

Play it cool…

Whilst the phrase ‘play it cool’ would seemingly suggest applying minimum effort, this is in fact a common misconception. ‘Playing it cool’ instead requires diligence and dedication. The main priority is that you MUST be aware of his location at all times. This requires learning his timetable off by heart, allowing you to ‘casually’ bump into him after his Monday 9 o’clock lecture. When this coincidental encounter takes place, ensure that you remain completely aloof, and ALWAYS have a well thought out excuse as to why you are there. Your introductory line of conversation could include, ‘Oh hey! Fancy seeing you here, I’m just meeting my friend for our weekly [insert activity of choice]’. Be certain that your chosen activity gives the illusion of extreme maturity and compassion on your part, e.g campaigning for goose wellbeing on campus, thus capturing his attention and leaving him intrigued.

Embrace shared interests…

Common interests are crucial in a successful relationship, therefore the key to this stage is to adapt and sacrifice! If your target is a heavy metal fan, whilst your musical tendencies lean more towards the Glee soundtrack, you may have to ditch the tap shoes and bright lights for a brand new ‘edgy’ you. An inspirational tale of commitment to the cause comes to us from a close source. Not only did this acquaintance risk serious injury in several sweaty mosh pits in a brave attempt to catch the eye of her love interest, but she also completely adopted a new ‘straight edge’ persona in her quest to get her date. Such dedication should be admired by all.

Always be noticeable…

It has been argued by some, that boys prefer natural beauty. This is a lie. Ensure that your make-up is as plentiful and eye-catching as possible; think a mix between lady Gaga and Boy George. This will get you noticed. Once you have captured his attention, half the work is done. It’s maintaining his attention that is crucial. A carefully practiced and perfectly executed ‘natural’ laugh never fails. On spotting your target, simply throw your head in an elegant yet playful manner, whilst gently swishing your hair from side to side (It is advisable that you are with others at this point).

Delve into the Ex-Files…

The likelihood is that your target man has had some form of female interaction in the past (hopefully excluding his mother). Take inspiration from these ‘old flames’. After all, they have ventured where you have yet to venture. Luckily, in this day and age we have an advantage over our 20th century damsels, thanks to our number one weapon – Facebook. This allows you to investigate whether the previous love of his life was a free-loving, daisy chain making hippy or a tattoo laden, guitar playing rock chick, with piercings where the sun don’t shine. This knowledge will dictate your next step, be it booking into the local tattoo parlour or hugging the nearest tree. Whereas some may consider this somewhat extreme, as the saying goes ‘history tends to repeat itself’…

Infiltrate the inner circle…

Finally, getting to know his family members is imperative for the success of this 5-step guide. Turning up at his house unannounced will show your spontaneous and impulsive nature, whilst inviting yourself in for a cup of tea with his mum and grandma will display your wholesome family values. Before you know it you’ll be flicking through his baby albums and planning the wedding. Whilst he may be ever so slightly alarmed to discover this on his return home, do not fear, he’ll come round to your way of thinking. After all, you’re part of the family now and mum always knows best!

(NB. We will not take responsibility if any of these guidelines result in restraining orders or social rejection of any kind. Warning – this is highly likely).

Olivia Newton and Francesca May

2 Comments on this post.
  • Rob
    29 April 2010 at 15:24
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    How about telling him you like him?
    I reckon everyones love lives (or lack of) would be made easier if you just told someone you quite like them.

  • jasmin
    3 May 2010 at 08:02
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    Don’t be silly, Rob

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