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Goldrush

Gold: the chemical element with the atomic number 79, the precious metal used for jewellery… And the colour which sends third years into a frenzy in the final weeks of their three-year holiday. The Gold Rush; a phenomenon which engulfs the country’s student population sending sex drives off the scale and competitive spirits into overdrive. It can be a confusing time for many a graduand, but never fear, Impact has stepped up to the mark to provide you with all the necessary details to maximise your gold-rush potential and limit possible damage during the glorious season ahead…

Gold Rush, noun, /g??ld//r??/ The sudden urge to cease all committed and faithful relationships in the hope of copulating with as many individuals as possible in the closing stages of one’s undergraduate career. Specifically, participants of the so-called ‘gold rush’, should aim for amorous success with targets whom they have lusted over as forbidden fruit during their time as loyal partners… Even if this involves punching substantially above one’s weight…

The University of Nottingham’s “panic season” will officially launch with the reopening of the top floor of Ocean, signifying the re-emergence of mentally drained student species from the Hallward hibernation season. Once the trading floor is declared open, many final year students will be found weaving through the crowds on a determined mission, whilst others will be left cowering in the corners away from the prying eyes of sexual predators. Whilst such gratuitous mating can only be encouraged, a warning note must ensue… Be wary of the dire consequences of such wanton pleasures; hand-picking your conquests like fruit from a tree can end in tears when your judgment is impaired by irrational panic concerning the loss of your youth and your imminent disposal into the big, bad world. Panic-induced curiosity leads you to convince yourself that your best friend since first year is actually indescribably handsome and probably has a massive penis and could even make a fantastic life-long partner. Goodbye lifelong friend, hello hideous, awkward wake up call.

Nonetheless last year, several goldrush couples were reported to have emerged from the plethora of entwined limbs and locked lips. What starts as competitive courting could result in matrimonial bliss. Imagine your children’s stunned faces when you tell the story of how you met… Dad always fancied Mum but he was otherwise engaged, so he sacked off the other woman and shoved his tongue down her throat in Ocean… Who said romance was dead?

The process must begin with your list. Your number one must represent the ultimate prize and those who are more of a token/sympathy vote will be loitering below the boundaries of list-acceptability. It is probably advisable that this sexual directory remains clandestine to prevent rivals from stealing your tactics. It is also crucial that targets remain unaware of their inclusion in your target file to prevent a backlash, it’s nice to feel desired other than as a checklist item. If you’re a little OCD then you may wish to categorise this file, perhaps even get it bound to commemorate the occasion and proudly present it to your parents on graduation alongside your dissertation. Categorisation can occur in terms of full houses, entire sports teams or societies, beginning with the Treasurer and culminating in the acquisition of the President prize. If you have a particular ‘type’ some research may be required prior to the compilation of your list. In the case of one Impact editor, the specific requirement is that they must have run at least twice for an SU position, which involved trawling through the manifesto booklets of the last three years comparing policies and campaign photographs in order to rank her coitus candidates.

So watch in awe as the future employees of Accenture, Ernst and Young, and PWC dutifully notch up impressive bedpost tallies. And I call on first and second years to maintain this tradition; you won’t regret it when it’s your turn to Go Golden.

by Hattie Hamilton

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