Berlusconi: This Is Your (Sex) Life

Silvio “Only I can turn this country around” Berlusconi has stepped down as the Italian prime minister after plunging Italy into a deep debt crisis, with the country supposedly being close to the precipice of no-financial-return, potentially joining the ranks of Greece, Portugal and Ireland. This is in heavy contrast to Berlusconi’s own wealth which is an estimated £3.8 billion, with Forbes naming him the 118th richest man in the world, placing him at the top 0.001% of the richest people globally. Whilst many will concentrate on the unfulfilled promises and the votes of no confidence in Berlusconi’s office, Impact’s Settit Beyene decided to dig a little less deep…

Berlusconi is 75 years of age and was born in 1936; before the end of World War Two, seven years before the end of Mussolini’s office, before the telephone spread to homes in Britain and before the invention of the light bulb (just kidding). I was shocked to find this out – the man looks young for someone who should have retired 10 years ago. Especially when one takes into consideration his virile activities outside of the office (or even inside as some allege) which belie his geriatric age. Alleged briberies, Mafioso dealings and tax fraud aside, Berlusconi has compromised his political finesse with his sexual antics, which supersede any notable achievements in office.

Before corruption put a smile on his face, Berlusconi studied Law at Milan State University and shamefully for the department, graduated with honours. During his student days he played double bass and sang in nightclubs, a far cry from the man who now frequents criminal courts and has made 2,500 court appearances in 106 trials, racking up legal costs of over £170 million. He wed his first wife nearly half a century ago and this lasted for 20 years, as did his second marriage which ended, naturally, due to his amorous ways, with his wife denigrating his consideration of young models and actresses as candidates for the European Parliament, denouncing it as “shameless rubbish.” The Italian press have been quick to cover Berlusconi’s antics, quoting him as saying that he is the prime minister of Italy in his “spare time,” presumably devoting most of his time in office, outside of it.

Berlusconi’s innocuous interest in hospitality culminated in “bunga bunga” sex parties at his villa. His defence for all his fraternising is “I work hard all day long, so if I get a chance to see a beautiful woman, I say it’s better to have passion for beautiful women than being gay.” Its hard work plunging an economy into debt and reducing GDP, he deserves a break, he deserves a KitKat, he deserves bunga bunga.

In January 2011 “Big Chief Flaccid Ass” as dubbed by the Italian female public, was accused of paying for sex with a minor; 17 year old belly dancer, Karima el Mahrough, stage name “Ruby Heartstealer.”  Although both refute this allegation, Karima’s ex-flatmate says otherwise, commenting “I remember that she said she was very friendly with the prime minister and that she had often been to his house where she had had dinner, danced and had sex with him, for which he paid her a lot of money.” The Italian PM is also said to have given over £1 million to the two men who have been named in the investigation, money I’m sure that the Italian economy was in dire need of. The “Rubygate” scandal heavily marred his image and prompted many to question his position as prime minister.

In 2009 Berlusconi attended the 18th birthday of Noemi Letitzia of Naples, gifting her with a necklace reportedly worth over £5000. Veronica Lario, his second wife, responded with “that really surprised me because he has never come to the 18th birthday parties of any of our (three) children despite being invited.” Unsurprisingly, her main reason for leaving him was said to be due to his consorting with minors.

Escort Patrizia D’Addario is said to be one of the many, many, many women Berlusconi has slept with, but he denies ever paying for sex- probably in the same vein that Bill Clinton argued “I did not have sexual relations with that woman (define sexual relations…)” Many have recounted the favours that Berlusconi has provided for his girls, including rent-free accommodation, money and for one, the ability to buy 25 pairs of shoes in a week. Numerous stories of this ilk abound in the press, the unbreakable union between “Berlusconi” and “sex” in Google search engine will produce over 59 million results, illustrating his lascivious reputation.

Berlusconi’s big mouth has attracted much publicity with the Italian womaniser arguing that a recent string of rapes cannot be curbed by soldiers in the near future as “we would need as many soldiers as beautiful women,” and beautiful women is something that Italy has an abundance of (as Berlusconi must be aware, having slept with at least half). Lastly, his bizarre assertion that Mussolini had been a “benign dictator” who did not murder opponents but sent them “on holiday” has done little for his image, although his oratorical blunders are still leagues apart from “Bushisms” (638,000 hits on Google).

“Basta, basta!” the Italian people cried (“Enough, enough!”), along with parliament from which he was ousted after a routine ballot. Surprisingly, his exit was not the pantomime or the jail sentence that many would have expected, but the lack of confidence the people placed in Berlusconi as a politician to pull Italy back from the impending financial disaster. Italy’s fiscal crisis could not have come at a worse time for Berlusconi, but for the sake of the Italian peoples’ wallets, Berlusconigate is now over.

Settit Beyene

FeaturesLead articles
One Comment
  • dan
    18 November 2011 at 18:46
    Leave a Reply

    Berlusconi studied Law at Milan State University and ‘shamefully’ for the department, graduated with honours.

    But that shame would contravene the ECHR (Article 7) so the shame is invalid. 🙂

  • Leave a Reply