Six Nations: Last weekend’s Action

Okay after a night out Friday, followed by the tagline ‘I’m having a quiet one’, I thought this week I might actually be in a fit state to watch the rugby Saturday, unfortunately McDonalds gave me food poisoning, and yes I do intend to firebomb the place later on this week.

The first match Wales – Italy and as everyone had already written Italy off being the cynic, I was hoping for a shock victory for Italy. From the off the Italians met Wales with a brick wall defence, totally killing any play Wales were trying to set up, it helped that Priestland was playing worse than a fat girl who had contracted a very nasty yeast infection and spent most of the match scratching, grim! Anyway the defence held out first half and only a few indisciplines led to a 9 – 3 lead. Second half, and a breakaway try from Jamie Roberts, who in my opinion looks like Desperate Dan, started the scoring off, it only came about because the fat knacker playing hooker slowed to a pace resembling that of a turtle with no legs and left a gap for the centre to proverbially slip through. The sin bin was a bit dubious, but even so Wales shrugged it off, and as usual the Italians got tired letting the game open up. I start to feel sorry for Parisse, being such a good player he deserves a few more wins, perhaps he should go live somewhere for 3 months and then magically play for them. It was nice to see Mirco Bergamasco back, the blonde hot head who looks like he would be the first one to shiv you when you first turn up in the prison yard overreacted to at least 4 incidents in his usual fashion. Cuthbert ran in the last try and claimed man of the match which is a load of bull. Overall it was a very boring match, which was well won by Wales.

Next Ireland – Scotland, now this was a match where I was gambling all my hopes on a surprise Scotland win, take a chance! Scotland opened up well and 2 early penalties gave me courage, however, a well planned Ireland move worked out well. Pressure from Scotland lead to a number of good line outs and a strong drive looked as though it should have been a penalty try but instead only resulted in 3 points. Then as usual the luck of the Irish made an appearance and Sean Lamont looking to decapitate Eoin Reddan slipped over the top and the man who wouldn’t look out of place sitting on a pot of gold went in for a try. Sufficiently, angry at this point that Scotland once again were losing a match they should be dominating, turned into elation when Richie Gray a staggering 120kg of blonde porridge oats steamrolled through the Irish defence and sold a dummy to Kearney and went in for possibly my try of the championship! Unfortunately missed tackles let Ireland sneak another try in before half time, 22-14 at the whistle. A cheeky cross field kick looked as though Ireland would be the ones taking the first points but Morrison’s superb tackle on Tommy Bowe that resembled a man trying to screw a wriggling fish, stopped the try. Scotland had every opportunity to get the win but a penalty from the scrum would call for slightly more, but when Keith Earls resorted to football strategy, clearly diving, got Max Evans sin binned the game was set to close Ireland’s way. Now Keith, you are a dishonest and quite frankly pathetic player, but if referees allow these quite frankly mendacious players to be rewarded they should take a bullet to the knee. Anyway, Ireland continued to pile on pressure and scored a well worked try, closing out a very exciting match.

Big Day France – England, First off what the hell was that kid doing before kickoff, I thought Betsen was going to thump him. Anyway, the opening was extremely nervy and although England looked very strong in both attack and defence, a most brilliant tackle from Ashton smashing the walking herbal essence advert Szarzewski, leading to a few offloads finally to Tuilagi who steamed in the first try. If that was called opportunistic the next try was not, Morgan running like Bigfoot through a bunch of smurves (I think thats how you spell the plural) ploughed his way to 10 metres out where a well places offload resulted in Foden who hasn’t exactly played his best all tournament running in a try. A penalty battle continued, and to the delight of English fans the obese and slightly evil looking Matt le Blanc impersonator Beauxis continued to have a dreadful game. However, the tables turned when Alan Rowland, a man who is so quick to draw out a card I’m sure he could get a job at the local gala casino, sent off Sharples for a deliberate knock on (the French had committed one the previous minute). Obviously suffering from short man disorder, sending off rugby players must be his absolute turn on, I’m sure he must have the video of himself sending off Sam Warburton on repeat whilst in the bed with his wife. His yellow card was a disgrace and almost jeopardised England claiming the win, obviously he had France to win down at William Hill. The gap narrowed to 15-17 but when Tom Croft blasted through the French line scoring a wonderful try the critics began to orgasm as now they could use their ‘Surely England can’t lose now’ line to the hatred of every fan watching, who would have loved to stretch into the TV and punch Brian Moore and Eddie Butler in the face, and not just for that reason but perhaps for being the worst double act since the Chuckle Brothers started doing porn. France scored a try in the dying minutes, and only 2 points in it set up a drop goal attempt, only just missing. England saw out the game and held on to a brilliant win!

To end I would just like to comment on how dreadful Sonja McLaughlan is at interviewing players, she asks the most stupid questions, when interviewing Lancaster at the start asked if he viewed France – England, one of the most anticipated matches of the six nations, as being a ‘big game’. Seriously, do some work and think of some better questions!

Andrew Levens


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