World News Round-up

A Revolutionary Idea in China

Like The Jeremy Kyle Show and Facebook stalking, driving too fast is something that most of us publicly scorn yet privately enjoy. But as the old adage goes, there’s no smoke without fire. So aggrieved was Chinese pensioner, Lin Chen, by the number of car accidents outside her home that she decided to do something most unbefitting of her 67-year old self.

In a bid to slow motorists down, the unassuming Chen, from Ningbo in Zhejiang province, visited a sex shop, purchased a blow up doll and after dressing it in striking red underwear, tied it to a nearby tree.

Chen’s remarkably novel idea was designed to distract drivers from speeding.  The doll, with its eye-catching attire, or lack thereof, could thus be described as an erotic take on the speed bump of old.

Her intentions were admirable but her execution perhaps less so, as Chen’s neighbours must now share their street with an inflatable sex toy – hardly a value-adding feature.   Chen’s ingenious idea, however, is paying dividends. According to a spokesman from the local police, accident figures are, unlike Chen’s magnum opus, significantly deflated.

Look What the Cat Dragged In

Clearly, there is some truth in society’s fabled distrust of cats. In Rostov, southern Russia, the storybook caricature played out for real. The culprit is a nameless black cat who stands accused of smuggling goods into a prison.

The feline fiend, a resident of the town of Shakhty, had his guilty claws in  something far deeper than simply smuggling Marlboros and Jean Paul Gaultier.   Heroin was being hidden in the cat’s collar and delivered to prisoners, unbeknown until recently to the prison guards, who became suspicious after seeing the cat acting furtively in the prisoners’ quarters.

Drug dealers had seemingly employed the stray moggy as a drug mule. Police caught the suspect cat on its way into the criminal facility, its collar laden with enough drugs to make a night at Crisis almost bearable.

Despite meticulous questioning, the cat declined to comment.

Tourist Spotted on Airport X-Ray Screenin

Whilst airport security are no strangers to their scanners revealing weapons, narcotics and exotic foodstuffs, staff at Rome’s Fiumicino airport were astonished to find a different type of unexpected item in the baggage area.

After the outline of a human appeared on their X-ray screens, staff found an adult male curled up in the foetal position, asleep on the conveyer belt, blissfully unaware of the airport officials who had just seen x-ray images of his internal organs.

It is thought that the 36-year-old Norwegian tourist, who had been drinking heavily, had checked in for his flight early, and decided to take a nap next to his bag while he waited. It seems that the tourist was transported 48 metres before being spotted, at which point the police were summoned.

The tourist was then taken to hospital, where he underwent a medical examination after concerns about the effects of his exposure to x-rays, before being handed over to prosecutors for “causing alarm at the airport”.

Bear Breaks into Sweet Shop

You will have all heard of a bull in a china shop, but you’re unlikely to have heard of a bear in a sweetshop.  Owners of the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory shop in Estes Park, Colorado, were surprised last week to find their shop cleaned out of some of their bestselling chocolate treats.

Jo Adams found her shop covered in wrappers and dirt and thought that squirrels had broken in overnight. However, newly installed surveillance cameras informed them that it was a young black bear, who had forced the door open and helped himself to sweets and treats from the shop counter.

The bear left the shop but later came back for more and cleaned out the shop of their chocolate covered Rice Krispies, English Toffee, peanut butter cups and chocolate ‘Cookie Bear’ biscuits.

You can see the video here:

Something Smells Fishy

It is a rare predicament. What do you do when you wake up to find everything in sight covered in a layer of seaweed? This is the quandary that confronted the residents of Berkeley in Gloucestershire during the summer.

So what was to blame? Had 2012’s apocalypse finally arrived? Or was the entire charade just a morning after mirage? As it turns out, neither.

Freak weather had picked up the seaweed from Clevedon Beach in North Somerset, flown it super economy class to Gloucester and unloaded it on ill-fated Berkeley. Bewildered locals could be seen removing the slimy gunge from their driveways by the bucket load.

Ian Fergusson, weather guru from the Met Office, attributed the bizarre situation to severe thunderstorms at sea.

Some sand, some freak weather of its own and a pliant bureaucrat is all the town needs before it can start cashing in on tourism to Berkeley-on-Sea.

Rob Moher, Ramsha Jamal & Antonia Paget


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