News Across the Globe

‘Jack Sparrow’ Hijacks Devonshire Boat (England)

A 51-year-old Lambrini drinker, who seems to hold Jack Sparrow as some form of corrupt muse, has been jailed for 122 days for hijacking a boat. On September 10th of last year, the mischievous sea dog, Alison Whelan, decided to conclude her two-day bender by boat-jacking the 100-seater ferry ‘Dart Princess’ in Dartmouth, Devon, claiming to be Johnny Depp’s infamous pirate character.

Under the influence of cheap alcohol and suspicious foliage, she instigated a chase involving the police, coastguard and local lifeboats, which culminated in £1,500 worth of damage to the Dart Princess and several other vessels.

Kimberlee Tidswell

Emergency Services Save Doll From Drowning (Turkey)

When beach goers in Turkey raised the alarm and called emergency services after witnessing a woman in distress out at sea, rescuers in the Northern Samsun province rushed to the scene – where they were promptly left feeling a little deflated. What rescuers had scrambled to save in haste was in fact an inflatable sex doll.

Despite the considerable time and effort put in by the crew to save her, the sex doll was unfortunately not spared in the most tragic of outcomes. Once escorted back to shore, her fate lay in the hands of her rescuers who decided that the best option was to simply throw her into the garbage.

Rebecca Meeson-Frizelle

Pigs With Beef (America)

Police in Oregon are investigating the death of a farmer who was eaten by his pigs. Terry Garner, 69, never returned from a visit to the pig pen after going to feed the animals. His dentures and parts of his body were later found in the pig enclosure.

It has been reported that one of the pigs had previously acted aggressively towards Garner, suggesting some form of vendetta against the farmer. However, police have not ruled out the possibility that he’d collapsed from a heart attack and the pigs then mistook his body for a tasty treat.

Suzi Collins

Suspicious ‘Package’ In International Airport (India)

Three men were recently arrested for trying to smuggle small, fluffy lorises on a transit flight between Dubai and Bangkok. While in New Delhi, security guards noticed an impressive bulge in one passenger’s crotch area, but discovered a rather unexpected package on closer inspection – a 7 inch long endangered primate tucked into a pouch.

The lorises are being treated for post-traumatic stress and, while waiting for further investigation into the incident, the men are certainly less happy to see the security guards than they originally seemed.

Lorna Stone


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