Confessions of a Weird Child

If you’ve ever seen a child then you’ll know that they’re really weird. My 2 year old cousin is obsessed with hair gel and thinks that shoes are a source of wonderment. Childhood was a much simpler time and I miss it, but I must admit that I had some really weird ideas when I was younger.

A hobby of mine was sitting in the cupboard under the stairs and examining the fuse box. When I wasn’t doing this I was pretending that the door of the washing machine was a TV screen, and I’d stick my head into it and give weather forecasts. I’m not sure if this was normal behaviour for a 5 year old, but my parents seemed pretty happy to let me entertain myself.

However, it was not all fun and games for me. One belief above all overshadowed my childhood: I 100% completely believed that, if I went upstairs on my own then I would be attacked by a rogue gorilla. Now, I know of other children who refused to go upstairs on their own due to a fear of what was hiding up there, but as far as I know I was one of the very few children who believed that I would be eaten by a gorilla. I also couldn’t open the curtains at night for fear that there would be a gorilla dangling outside of my window. I wasn’t even scared of gorillas; I think I just disliked the idea of finding them in unusual places, which is still something that I struggle with to this day.

This was not the end of my childhood weirdness, though. In primary school I single-handedly spread a rumour that the rhubarb crumble we were served at school dinner was, in fact, comprised entirely of human flesh. Whether I actually believed this to be true or was just being a nasty little gossip I cannot say, but the crumble was disgusting so I’m kind of glad that I stopped other children from enduring it. However, I must add that there was a fashion in my primary school of eating Starbursts with their wrappers on in order to prove you were ‘cool,’ so I clearly wasn’t the only weird kid around at the time.

As much as I enjoyed being a bit of a weird kid, I must admit that adulthood does have its advantages. For example, I can stay up late enough to watch Coronation Street (I don’t actually watch Corrie but I like to have the option) and can verify that toys do not come alive at midnight, as my sister used to have me believe. Vodka is an obvious advantage, as is being able to actually use the fuse box as opposed to just staring at it.

I do, however, still like to give weather forecasts in the washing machine door. Try it, it’s fun.

Suzi Collins

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3 Comments on this post.
  • Josh Franks
    16 March 2013 at 21:23
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    I remember when Starburst used to be Opal Fruits.

    That’s all I had to say.

  • SJ
    20 March 2013 at 16:16
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    our school used to go to the local swimming baths for swimming lessons and when i was about 6, a condom machine was installed in the ladies changing room. not knowing what condoms were, i asked my dad. he gave the careful reply that men wear them to stop their willies getting diseases. I then proudly told all my friends at school that condoms were willy swim-caps to stop them catching things from the pool water (which i believed for several years!). the funny thing was, several of my friends also asserted this ‘fact’ was completely correct…

  • Alex Wilson
    2 April 2013 at 15:55
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    Lol, I’m a bit of a weird child, still a BNOC

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