Impact Gets Inside the Ocean Carpet

Ocean is infamous for what goes on inside its walls, but what’s going on under your feet might surprise you. Impact took a piece of Ocean’s beloved old carpet to be forensically examined.

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Despite its 15 years of service under your heels and trainers, the carpet turned out to be a lot cleaner under the microscope than it appears to the naked eye. At first, the marks under the UV light looked like they could be bodily fluids, but on closer inspection… it was only carpet cleaner. The sample probably wasn’t taken from Fingerer’s Corner then.

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The most abundant substance found on the carpet was it’s colourful array of hairs. Blonde, brown, black, red… and grey. Either Ocean has a lot of OAP clubbers, or we’re all suffering from premature ageing – perhaps we just spend too much time stressing in Hallward.

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Unfortunately, innocent head hair wasn’t the only fibre found embedded in the carpet. Bodily hairs from below the waist were also tweezered out of the sample. Yes, we mean pubes. Maybe they’re strays from the frantic pre-Ocean shave – an essential part of preparation if you’re hoping to get laid. Perhaps a last desperate attempt to pull is the reason behind why chewing gum was also found in the sample – after all, there’s nothing more off-putting than Jaeger breath.

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The now deceased carpet seemed to attract a variety of clubbers. From the nature expert to the beauty queen, Attenborough to Kardashian, both soil and stick on nail art were found encrusted in the carpet. Well, maybe the soil is from the trek across town from pre-lashing, but you never know.

In response  to these findings, Ocean King Andy Hoe said: “I’m slightly surprised that there weren’t more bodily fluids found on there, but it’s reassuring for people to know that we do actually clean the carpet and hadn’t left it to rot for fifteen years”.

Sarah Dear

Associate reporting: Emily Tripp and Antonia Paget

We’d like to give special thanks to Mandy Stephens and Katrina Armitage, third years on The University of Derby Forensic Science Programme, who spent the day with faces closer to the Ocean carpet than anyone ever wants to be, all for the sake of investigative journalism. 

Thanks also to Andy Hoe, for giving us some of his beloved carpet.

The competition for the Ocean carpet is now closed, keep an eye on our Facebook page for the winners.

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