If you’re anything like me then you’re obviously very wise and know that Halloween is the best time of the year. Not only do you get to demand sweets from vulnerable strangers, but the good ol’ telly box offers up hundreds upon millions of pretty awesome horror films.
Horror films are great because they provide incredibly unique, yet all round good advice. I’ve spent a lot of time watching scary films and so feel that I’m more than qualified to give you a round-up of the messages they portray. So here’s a (not completely) extensive list of things that horror films have taught me:
1. GHOSTS LOVE PLUMBING.
If your floor is covered in water then hold tight because there’s a spirit knocking about in your pipes (oo-er). Ghosts are cool and alternative so won’t arrive at your house through the front door. Front doors are so cliché. Instead they swim about and arrive through the kitchen sink, meaning your floors inevitably will be covered in water. They just love to be an inconvenience but, let’s face it, most of us would travel by pipe if we could.
2. DON’T ANSWER THE PHONE. EVER.
In horror films, murderers and spirits alike just love to have a good natter on the phone. However, they’re less likely to want to talk about the weather or what you’re having for dinner and more likely to whisper ‘You’re going to die! YOLO!’ It doesn’t matter if you’re waiting for a really really important once-in-a-lifetime phone call, DON’T ANSWER THE PHONE, just to be on the safe side.
3. KIDS ARE REALLY CREEPY.
They’re also really annoying because they go around getting possessed all the time. Twin children are the worst, especially when they wear matching outfits. My advice would be to scream and run whenever you see a child, and avoid primary schools and The Early Learning Centre at all times.
4. OLD PEOPLE. ALSO CREEPY.
Don’t listen to their weird, twisted stories about how your house was built on an Indian burial ground and the spirits come out to play at 2am. Sit them down with a nice cup of tea and a couple of bourbons and watch Deal or No Deal with them. This is more enjoyable for all involved.
5. NOTHING EVER GOES WRONG IN BUNGALOWS.
I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve found myself screaming ‘DON’T RUN UPSTAIRS! GIRL, YOU CRAY!’ when some dumb character decides that the best way to escape the murderer is to run upstairs. SERIOUSLY. WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO GO FROM THERE, EH? This has led me to conclude that, as long as you live in a place with no stairs then all will be fine and dandy. Plus in a bungalow you will always be nearer to the fridge. A win-win situation, I think you’ll agree.
So there we have it, some useful and festive advice for you to employ at your will. Happy Halloween!