What Not to Buy This Christmas

Christmas: a time for family, food… And unwanted gifts. Impact columnist Natalie reveals the worst Christmas presents she, and people she knows, have ever received…

1. Condoms. On the surface this doesn’t sound like a bad gift – they’re useful, expensive, and you’ll never be caught short again. However, this gift takes a drastic turn for the worse when given to you by none other than… Your mother.
2. Deodorant. Unlike the expensive and thoughtful gift of perfume, deodorant is the pressie that comes with a hint: you smell.
3. The uncut version of Brokeback Mountain on DVD. My friend was given this gift after coming out to his parents. His ‘PC’ dad insisted on having a movie night with the whole family to show their support: it made for a very awkward Boxing Day, complete with a Q&A session.
4. Penis shaped cake-tin. This would be very funny if given to you by your housemate, but from your uncle?! Too weird.
5. The dreaded Christmas jumper. It’s itchy, it’s hideous, but my nan made it, and if I didn’t wear it at least once she would have cried.
6. Book tokens. Apparently they still do these? It was fine when you were in primary school but now, I’d prefer the money.
7. Head scarf. Apparently my great aunt is still living in the 50’s.
8. A suitcase. This would be a pretty cool gift, but at thirteen years old I think my parents were trying to tell me something.
9. A bonsai tree. Seriously? You may as well give someone a child! It’s heavy, it’s impossible to look after, and it’s ridiculously inconvenient to move around.
10. HUGE granny pants. How is this not the most insulting present in all of existence? Not only is it accusing you of having a massive arse, it’s also insinuating that no-one will ever see you in your underwear!

Natalie Mallory

Photo: Interiorrain via Flickr.

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