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Which Crap Valentine’s Day Present Are You, As Told By Your Star Sign?

Holly Wilson, Impact Features' astrologer is back giving us the harsh truth on what kind of crap Valentine's Day gift we'd be depending on our star sign (Sagittarius be ashamed)

It’s the thought that counts right? Well actually no. Valentine’s gifts have a habit of being the most stomach-churning, cringe-worthy piles of tat that have ever graced our shops. So, the real question is, which one are you?

Aries (March 21- April 19): 6 Inch “Your Mine” Teddy

Its eyes are wonky, and the spelling mistake only became clear to you once you got home. You picked it up in town after walking in and out of shops looking for something for at least an hour. Your heart wasn’t in it, and now you regret it. It’s more of an insult than anything, and honestly you know deep down that it’s completely pointless.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): A Narrated Mix Tape

Yes, it’s on a cassette. You pulled out your mum’s old machine specially, and sat for hours trying to work out how to use the stupid thing. The idea seemed solid initially, you had three songs planned and knew exactly how they fit together. Then it came to the fourth song. You panicked, and now following She’s Got You High is Coldplay’s Yellow. Why? Just keep adding your narration and then maybe it’ll be okay.

Gemini (May 21- June 20): The “Regift”

You were with someone else last year, but two weeks before Valentine’s Day he made a pass on your mate in a club. You’d already got the present though, and the CD and socks have been sitting in your drawer for the past year gathering dust. Now it’s Valentine’s Day again, and along with the bitter taste of memory, you’ve got a new guy. Obviously, you can’t trust men so he can have the leftovers and make do.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Whatever it is, it’s 10 days late

“Valentine’s Day? That’s this week?” Your gut sinks, here we go again. Eventually, when the present arrives, you’re happy but you didn’t get to post it on Snapchat like everyone else. And yes, having your meal after Valentine’s meant that you were able to get into that fancy French place that was fully booked on the actual day but it’s just not the same is it?

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Cigs and a scratch card

It’s all in the luck of the draw babe, you could be in for £100,000… or maybe a dud and a disappointed smoke after. This present is handed over in the smoking area of a club, he ‘forgot’ beforehand you see. Much like Valentine’s itself, there is anticipation as you scrap away at the tiny strips of foil, but much like this gift you’ve been left wanting. Maybe next year it’ll be better?

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): His and Hers mugs

You’ve been dating for a couple of months now and are always over each other’s houses, so why not go the next step and get couples mugs. They don’t really work away from each other, but that’s fine you know what the other half of the joke is supposed to say in your heart *gags*.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): A Breakup

What’s better than a nice meal for two? A nice meal for one.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Sex Voucher

Why do people still think these are original? You were going to have sex with me anyway. It’s a cop out homemade gift that’s more about you than me. These poorly illustrated cheques are just embarrassing, and even worse if they’re bought from Ann Summers. Why can’t you just be like everyone else and take us for a meal?

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21):  Forgotten completely

That dead smile as you hand over your gift is enough to show that they’ve forgotten. The panic as they thank you for it, looking around the room for something they can blag as a present they forgot to wrap. This is the second year in a row, why do you expect more? Honestly it might just be best to call it a day on this one.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Small packet of love hearts

What’s the joke here? The present or our relationship? It’s not even the individual packs, its those ones you get from a multi-bag from Halloween and you know in your heart that’s probably when he got them. The shy smile shows he knows he’s done wrong. Laugh it off sweetheart, but it’s not getting better than this.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Argos jewellery and an absurdly large card

You can’t fault the thought in this one, it’s sweet, but is it too sweet? There’s no shelf big enough for that card, it’s just ridiculous. The bear isn’t even a nice drawing, honestly, Card Factory need to stop making these. This one shows some planning at least, and is the calling card of an early, dedicated relationship.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Stolen flowers

He arrives at 4am, with a booty call and some surprisingly nice flowers. Then you notice that the label is addressed to his housemate. It’s probably time to call it a day.

Holly Wilson

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Featured image courtesy of ‘Lisa Zins’ via Flickr. Image licence found here.

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