The official diary of Bertie the Hallward cat

It may surprise you to learn, humans of Nottingham, that there is an intelligence greater than your own surveying your every move. A dark and dangerous force moves in the shadowy underbelly of University Park, known to few but feared by all! Yes, from a secluded corner of campus I orchestrate a grand and deadly scheme to obtain all the pats and treats in the world! Also the library is very warm so it’s good for taking naps.

Being an evil mastermind, I have an intense daily schedule. By the time I’ve arrived at Hallward, I’m already exhausted, and I’ve noticed many humans here share my struggle. I head straight to the nearest plant pot for a nap to start the day.

When I’ve emerged from my slumber, it’s time to pose for photos to get the humans onside for the next stage of my plan. Most of the time, people disturb my many hours of sleep to photograph me, but I just keep my eyes closed until they go away and I’m ready to be awake. I offer up my tiny furry body for their aesthetic pleasure to gain their trust, but I’m also an incredible model. I’ll often stare artistically into the distance in photographs, and quite honestly the humans could never grasp the level of beauty and emotion I’m projecting in my art.

Now comes the zenith of my master plan. Some unwitting human will be drawn in by my fuzzy feets and ickle whiskers and then I strike! First, I’ll let them pet me, then I’ll slowly move closer until I’m sitting on them and they can never leave – I don’t care if they have ‘lectures’ or ‘jobs’, I’ll keep them just where I want them until I’m done being petted. And if some naïve, vapid human thinks they can leave when I’m not ready, I’ll hiss and scratch until they resume the pampering. The purr-fect crime.

As the humans are leaving for the day, I resume my façade of innocence by pretending to sleep, but when the library is almost empty, I exploit the knowledge of human beings for all its worth, which isn’t much. I work tirelessly researching their ways, and although they mostly seem innocuous, there is one aspect of human society which is of interest. Many thousands of years ago, Ancient Egyptians worshipped my kind, and one day, thanks to my tireless devotion to the cause, we will rule again!

Jo Ralphs

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All images courtesy of Jo Ralphs.

One Comment
  • stephanie polak
    3 May 2018 at 11:53
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    Jo your article about Bertie is hilarious. If you don’t do well with your degree I think you could get a job as a comedian!

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