It’s been around for years, developed a cult following and one Impact editor has already hailed the establishment as “biblical”. At this point, it’s a bit of an open secret so, unfortunately, this can’t be an exclusive. But it’s still massive news.
Somewhere in the depths of Lenton, there is an establishment which people can frequent if they have certain needs. This is not fake news, I repeat this is not fake news. Rather this illustrates, even if you are for or against this specialist business venture, Lenton has plenty of feathers in its cap in a bid to become the only place for student life. Having spoken to a University of Nottingham alumnus recently, it’s clear that one does not simply forget Lenton. It stays with you. Like herpes.
“Fold your legs up like a bendy bike and not sit in utter agony”
£4.30. That is the stunningly cheap price for a ticket at the Savoy Cinema, Lenton’s answer to Sydney Opera House. Yes, the seats are rubbish. For the taller ones among us, it means having to kneecap yourself so that you are able to fold your legs up like a bendy bike and not sit in utter agony. And no, the experience is nowhere near as good as going to an IMAX where you are subjected to so many new sounds, smells and feelings that you come out of there feeling violated.
“The Savoy is the James Milner of Lenton”
But if there is one thing students love, it’s cheap stuff. Experiences that don’t hurt the student overdraft are few and far between. The Savoy is the James Milner of Lenton, displaying versatility to act as a venue for dates, somewhere to go with friends and somewhere to give you lots of pain. Though that last service is also available at the brothel, you’ll never get as good value for money than at the Savoy.
The Lenton Sainsbury’s job is not actually to provide food, which might explain why its products are a bit on the expensive side. This is obviously its secondary function. Its primary function is to raise the sexual tension to such a palpable level that you could cut it with a knife. Like moths to a flame, both (or more) participants of one night stands come here to reunite for a few awkward seconds whilst waiting in the queue and simultaneously suddenly developing a fixation with staring at the floor.
Top tip for all the nature lovers out there, this is the perfect place to come and observe the awkward youth in its natural habitat. The stolen glances and guilty looks are hilarious to witness. The questioning of whether contraception was involved is a little harder to stomach.
“The Bag O’Nails is our veritable Winchester”
Just as well then that there is a suitable place of refuge for those who are tired of the drama that constantly unfolds in the supermarket. The Bag O’Nails is our veritable Winchester, although having recently been there when a drunk smashed a glass window in rage, it remains to be seen as to whether it could survive a zombie apocalypse with as much stubbornness as in Shaun of the Dead.
“the pool cues will still be handy enough to beat off the undead”
It’s £2 pints are the stuff of legend and though the pool tables are somewhat, erm, aged, the pool cues will still be handy enough to beat off the undead (no, not like that). You don’t really live in Lenton if you haven’t been to the Bag.
Lenton is dirty and downright dangerous but to many of us its home for at least one year. When a student tries ‘to adult’, Lenton is the baptism of fire, that platform that can make or break you. It’s tough, uncompromising and brilliant. That is why it’s the place to be.