They call him Uncle Sam. The advice giving, suggestion slinging, arm-round-the-shoulder everyman who’s always there for you. Unless he’s too tired that day or too busy or something. He likes helping you help yourselves. He doesn’t like self introductions, lists or irony.
“Dear Uncle Sam,
Netflix is taking over my life. I’m in my final year and every time I plan on sitting down working I find myself watching five episodes of Breaking Bad, I’d actually quite like to have a degree by the time I finish uni so how can I kick my addiction?
-Antonia”
Dear Antonia,
This is a tough one. Netflix is up there with some of the most addictive things known to man, like Pringles or crack. The road ahead of you is a rocky one.
You have a few options. The first is simply to go cold turkey. This will require a friend changing your Netflix password so you cannot log onto the site and get them to agree that under no circumstances will they help you access it. Sounds simple enough, eh? Well think again! I have spent seven hours running tests and this scenario has some potentially troubling consequences. Although it may seem a good idea at first, it will almost certainly result in you barging into your friend’s room wielding an unspecified blunt object, screaming “UNLOCK MY DAMN NETFLIX”. Their refusal, as agreed prior to your aggression, will result in you growing a goatee, shaving your head and selling meth whilst insisting your housemates call you ‘the one who knocks’, in an attempt to emulate Walter White, the man whose face you so deeply miss. Yes, this sounds farfetched (almost entirely because you, Antonia, will likely find growing a goatee challenging) but seven hours of research doesn’t lie.
The other, and less homicidal option, is to binge watch Breaking Bad. I don’t mean five episodes a day. I’m talking going through an entire container of coffee with your eyelids pried open – Clockwork Orange style – over the space of an entire week. Call it your super-all-weeker. You need to get the show, and Netflix out of your system and you need to do it fast. Do not let the difficulty or supposed ‘physical impossibility’ of this option dissuade you. Also ignore the Doctor whom, when I asked if this was a safe thing to do, commented it was “the ramblings of a madman”, adding, “who the hell are you and what are you doing in my office?”
Lastly, if you want to be really tough on yourself, you could always buy a shock collar. Link it to your computer and every time you type Netflix into the search bar you’ll electrocute yourself. I am aware this appears bizarre and, some may even say, ‘kind of kinky’ but I can assure you it will help you kick the habit. My dog used to have one and now she doesn’t poop in the flowerpots anymore so it’ll probably work for you too.
You’re welcome, by the way,
Uncle Sam
Samuel Deaner
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Photo Credit: Eric via Flickr.
