In honour of the most marmite day of the year, Valentine’s, Impact Features hit Mooch to ask students about their best and worst dates. Turns out, most people don’t have many positive date stories, but were perfectly willing – their tongues loosened by Carlsberg and cocktails, no doubt – to share some of their worst.
So, if you’re feeling sorry for yourself and want a reminder of why it’s sometimes best to be alone, or if you’re happy in a couple and fancy scoffing at other people’s misfortune (don’t worry, there are far worse types of people out there, as we learnt), check out our exclusive dating horror stories below…
#1 The Disappearing Act
“This date had an optimistic start, at a snazzy ‘food-on-menu-not-written-in-English’ style restaurant. But, happening to see my friend leaving the very same restaurant, I suddenly suffered acute amnesia and slightly forgot I was on a date and went with my friend … she called me about twenty minutes later, and in shame I returned to the restaurant. Safe to say, the rest of the date didn’t last long after that.”
#2 The ‘What Does My Boyfriend Look Like Again’ Wonder
“There are long distance relationships and then there are loooong distant relationships. My friend was dating someone for 11 months, during which time they only saw each other twice. However, disputes continue over whether dragging someone across the country to break up with them the day after the summer ball actually renders the 2nd date invalid…”
#3 The Snake
“My girlfriend cheated on me with her best friend’s fiancé. Considering they started dating not long after that I should have clocked what was going on, but I only found out about the infidelity a year later. For those of you single on Valentine’s Day, read this and smile, safe in the knowledge that your box of Thornton’s Premium Collection would never dream of pulling such a savage move on you.”
#4 The Optimistic Shorty
“Most girls cruising the Tinder-verse have succumbed to the 6 foot+ like; the promise of height that suddenly makes a girls thumb suddenly 10x more likely to swipe right. But promises don’t mean the same to everyone, when his profile boasted 6’1” but I ended up getting 4’2”, and spent the rest of the night refusing to stand for fear of being asked if he’s my son. Awkward.”
#5 The Cinematic Freeloader
“My date told me it was my choice between The Lego Movie and a rom-com ft. Zac Efron’s abs, and, thinking it’s what she would have preferred, I chose the latter. After spending most of my student loan on both tickets and masses of snacks simply to endure one of the worst films ever made, she ditched me straight after – and having since found out that The Lego Movie is a work of genius, I am burdened every day with the regret of not seeing that, instead.”
#6 An Orchestrated Escape
“I’d been talking to this guy on Tinder for a while, he was really cute and seemed up for meeting. We were into a lot of the same stuff, and he played cello in an orchestra, which I also used to play. He mentioned he was performing in a play of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde on Halloween and asked if I’d like to come along and watch. Of course, I said yes, and we went out for drinks earlier for a chat. However, after getting to town and seeing no sign of him, he messages me to say he’s still in rehearsals. Eventually, he runs down to meet me, drags me into Spoons to down a drink while making rushed conversation – though I still think he’s charming! He has to rush back, I watch the performance, it’s very good, but immediately after he runs off with his orchestra friends. I was a seat-filler. He didn’t even message me after.”
#7 Datecrasher
“After fancying this guy for months I finally had the courage to ask him to see a film with me. He said yes so obviously I thought it was an actual date. The day arrives, I’m waiting, and he pulls up in a car but it’s his mum who’s driving. I think okay, she’s obviously just driving us to the cinema and leaving us there, but she’s still hanging around in the cinema. Maybe she’s just going to ask us when we’re leaving? But suddenly the guy pulls out 3 tickets, and his mum actually sits in between us. I just hope this wasn’t a prerequisite for a messed-up ménage-a-trois.”
#8 The Runaway Car
“We went for a nice walk along the beach but when it was time to leave her car wouldn’t start. She was a pretty shy girl and too scared to speak to the AA so I had to impersonate her; they quoted something very high so we couldn’t use that option. She then suggested ringing her dad but I didn’t want to do that – who brings parents on a date!? I suggested I push the car to jump start it but couldn’t make it move. Got some picnickers to help us, but even then it wouldn’t budge. Turns out she had the handbrake on, so after releasing it we managed to start the car. She was too scared to slow it down for fear it would stop so I had to run after her in flip flops, and just made it in the open door before we got onto the main road. Thought of kissing her when I jumped in to make it seem romantic but in reality, it was very awkward and to this day I’m not sure if she was trying to drive away from me.”
#9 The Crazy Ex
“We had just broken up recently and she wanted me back. She turned up at my workplace in tears after hours but I begged my colleague not to let her in. However, she used to work in the same place and still knew the security code so came in all the same and proceeded to cry on my shoulder for hours. Not the most attractive way to win me back, so I refused. The next day, she turned up at my front door with her dad screaming at me, demanding me to let her have one of my jumpers. Bizarre.”
#10 Summer Lovers
“I met this girl when we were both on holiday – me with my friends, her with her mum and dad. I really liked her so I asked her on a date, and she said wouldn’t it be cute if she cooks me a meal? So she does, but not just for me, for her folks, too. Two hours of small talk around a family table in Greece while my friends were hitting the bars. Safe to say, we didn’t keep in touch.”
#11 Precious
“Have any of you seen Friends? Of course you have. Well maybe he didn’t propose to somebody else on my birthday but he did dump me on my birthday date. Arsehole.”
#12 Nottingham Psycho
“We met on Tinder but on our date, he gradually revealed to me he had a criminal record. He was reluctant to tell me what for at first, so I assumed it’d be something small and decided to let it go. Slowly he put in hints, and it grew more ominous that I just had to ask. Turns out, he had tried to murder his ex-wife. I was out of there pretty damn quickly.”
#13 And One Nice One Just to Prove There’s Still Hope…
“We met at a gas station. I could see she was waiting for someone to fix her flat tyre; I took pity on her so decided to wait with her. To thank me, she took me out for cocktails that night, and we’re still happily together since.”
*some of the stories have been paraphrased for effect but are still factually accurate
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Matteo Everett and Jennifer Peck
Featured Image ‘Tree of Love’ by maf04 on Flickr (licence)
#4 The Optimistic Shorty
is just rude
wouldnt be seen as acceptable if it was about weight
#10 Summer Lovers
that guy is a dick. oh yea real bonding with someone instead of going out partying. poor you.
but overall funny and the last one gives some hope at least haha