The summer we all deserve is here, and with the heat wave comes plenty of opportunity to hit the pub. Whilst fancy cocktail bars may seem appealing to some, there is simply nothing better than a Spoons 2 for £12 pitcher deal. If you are overwhelmed by the selection and want to know what pitcher you are best suited for, specifically in terms of your astrological sway, look no further. I have put my Mystic Meg eye to the case and found your match made in heaven. Just remember, not everyone can have Blue Lagoon.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Rum Punch
You don’t need to show off, everyone knows that you’re a stable drinker, none of this blue stuff for you. Rum is strong enough, it lets everyone know that you are cool and ready to party. You don’t take the glasses from the bar, because you won’t need to share – no one likes heavy spirits like you do.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Very Cherry
Its guaranteed to be a sickly-sweet night with the Very Cherry, and you’ve probably made the right choice on the balance between booze and fun. It’s vibrant, tasty and will get you sufficiently bevved, and you know why everyone keeps asking you for a sip. Enjoy the smug feeling you get, you’re still drinking Sourz.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Smirnoff Vodka and Monster
Whilst living on the wild side may be fun, I think everyone can agree that this combination is a bad one. There’s something quite wrong about sitting in spoons and sipping a cocktail that is a high percentage of emo energy drink, it’s no wonder that you’re the loose cannon by the end of the night.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Purple Rain
Much like the song that this cocktail is named after, you are sensitive. The concept of a whole pitcher to yourself is making you a bit intimidated, and your choice has made you even more nervous. Nothing is naturally that colour. You don’t really understand this “Spoons” culture, but you’re giving it a go, even if you drink the cocktail with the glass.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): Woo Woo
Oh here we go, it’s the “life and soul of the party”, let’s pretend that Woo Woo is a classic rather than an overdone cop out. The fact that you can get these premixed on 3 for £5 at Tesco says a lot, and the fact that this is a best seller among the under 18s and at the coast of Benidorm say more. Leo, go home, you’re drunk.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Tuity Fruity
Whilst this features as part of the exciting summer cocktail range, it is really just the bastard child of Blue Lagoon and Sex on the Beach. Something about the spelling of this cocktail is uncomfortable and it sort of sets the tone for the night ahead, maybe next time avoid the cocktails and stick to a classic jug of Pimms like you really want.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): Long Island Iced Tea
You, much like the Godfather, have a sense of lad culture, but somehow, you’ve convinced yourself that this has more bang for your buck. Really, you’re the only person in spoons who has committed to drinking to get drunk rather than the whole culture of the 2 for 1 pitchers. Just order shots next time, you’re making us look bad.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Sex on the Beach
You got a little rush ordering the pitcher at the bar, and this rush turned to embarrassment when the bartender didn’t hear you the first time. Yes, yes, Sex on the Beach please!! However, when your drink arrives you know deep down that it’s worth it. Fruity and boozy, Sex on the Beach is the epitome of the pitcher experience.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Ginberry Fizz
You thought that this sounded classy and exciting on the menu, and then the truth hit you that it was going to arrive in a pitcher with just a straw like everything else. Where is the Instagrammable concoction of your dreams? It’s down the road for £8.50 a glass, not in Spoons for 2 for 1 pitchers, you need a reality check.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): The Godfather
You sit at the head of the table with your pitcher of Godfather, only deigning the very best of the tipsy banter with a laugh. No one can control the conversation like you, apparently. The mixture of whiskey and Disaronno is a bit embarrassing, so whenever anyone asks what’s in it you just reply “oh just spirits”.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Blue Lagoon
A sneaky way of disguising what is essentially just lemonade and vodka with a dash of food colouring, you are flaunting the mantra style over substance. When you walk to the table from the bar, everyone is curious, but inevitably let down when you tell everyone what it is. Treat yourself better.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Porn Star Martini
You feel super cheeky when you drink this, although its not quite as good as the other versions of the cocktail in the surrounding bars as it lacks the little champagne taster. Fruity enough to pass as a soft drink, you drink your pitcher at least 10 minutes quicker than everyone else and are subsequently close to throwing it all back up into your empty jug.