Dear Auntie Carol…
How do you deal with a bad cold?
“The Carol Cold is so much MORE than the common cold – just like Auntie Carol is so much more than the common person”
What you first need to understand is that colds occur on a scale: they range from the common cold to the Carol Cold. The Carol Cold is so much MORE than the common cold – just like Auntie Carol is so much more than the common person.
You might only need one of my tips; you might need all of them! What matters is that ALL of my tips are golden.
If you’re here, then you’ve already accepted your fate: you are SICK! Now, do NOT go on NHS dot com and self-diagnose yourself with Typhoid. Finish your own degree before you starting playing Doctor!
Just stay here and follow Auntie Carol’s Cold Survival Guide:
- Huff the good stuff! Swap that bottle of poppers for Olbas Oil #ad. Like Ariana Grande tells us: “Just keep breathin’ and breathin’ and breathin’ and breathin’”.
- Spice up your life! Shove a chili up your nose and clear those sinuses (alternatively, spicy soup does the same job if you can sacrifice the toilet time).
- What’s the tee? Lemon and ginger tea, that’s the tee! Trust me girls and gays: this is the best thing you can find to put down your throat in Lenton.
- Don’t forget lube! Vaseline #ad your nose after blowing – you don’t want to end up with a chapped snout, looking like Penelope!
- Sleep IS for the weak! None of this Disney princess buffoonery. You don’t need a prince! Rest in bed until your HEALTH comes to wake you up.
The following tip is ONLY for extreme cases (Carol Cold).
- Shut Up And Thrive! You know me, I do NOT believe in self-censorship! But, I DO believe in self-care. If you feel like you’re going to lose your voice, get a whiteboard, use your Notes app, ring your bell. We need ALL the voices we can get right now!
Yes, your body is a temple. But, right now, it is the Taj Mahal! Worship yourself!
Alexa, play ‘Stayin’ Alive’.
Keep me in a job – ask me a question here!