“’No’, I protest, trying to kick him off. He stops. ‘If you struggle I’ll tie your feet too. If you make a noise I will gag you.’”
This is a quote from the Fifty Shades of Grey book, the film adaptation of which opened in cinemas earlier this month, to packed-out cinemas. The week prior to its release, it had made £1.3 million in UK ticket sales alone. It’s big, and BDSM has found itself in the spotlight like never before.
The issues with the film are now well-trodden ground. Christian Grey is intimidating, manipulative, and demanding. As Rachel of UoN Feminists puts it, “while BDSM isn’t inherently abusive, Fifty Shades is very problematic in its portrayal. There are loads of examples of it not being consensual.”
But what impact, if any, does this negative portrayal have? A wide scale Australian survey found that people engaging in BDSM have not experienced sexual coercion or psychological distress at higher rates than the general population. The message is clear: BDSM does not equal abuse. But the story is not the same for those who have come to BDSM via Fifty Shades.
‘While BDSM isn’t inherently abusive, Fifty Shades is very problematic in its portrayal. There are loads of examples of it not being consensual”
A study by Michigan State University found that women who had read the book were significantly more likely to have had an abusive partner at some point in their lives. The connection which this implies between Fifty Shades and abuse causes harm in both directions.
Firstly, for those interested but not yet involved, in BDSM, the only option presented by Fifty Shades is one which is completely de-autonomising, immersive, and secret. Conversely, for those who have been abused prior, this portrayal can lead to internal doubt. As Claire, a first year student at UoN puts it, “my boyfriend would shout at me a lot before and after sex. When I first heard about BDSM, I thought the shouting was just an interest of his I didn’t share. It took me a lot longer to recognise it as abuse.”
Given these problems, it is peculiar that the BDSM community’s reaction to Fifty Shades has not been more negative. Events and toys have been named after it, and FetLife, the world’s biggest online kink network, briefly had banners referencing it.
At the same time, others have tried to distance the two, arguing that because of its abusive nature, Fifty Shades does not truly depict BDSM.
“For those interested but not yet involved, in BDSM, the only option presented by 50 Shades is one which is completely de-autonomising, immersive, and secret.”
Part of this argument stems from the fact that codes of conduct such as SSC (safe, sane and consensual) and RACK (risk aware consensual kink) exist within the BDSM community, to attempt to mitigate some of the danger inherent in sadomasochism.
However, whilst this is true, it risks ignoring the fact that abuse can still occur within the BDSM community. Even if the codes of conduct are followed to the letter, a relationship can still be unhealthy. For example, safe words (agreed upon codewords meaning “stop”) are intended to increase safety, but they do not guarantee as much. “No” could be considered a safe word for vanilla relationships, but of course this does not prevent abuse.
Sam’s story reveals a common theme in media portrayals and BDSM abuse stories: the blurring of boundaries between sexual role and day-to-day personality. “I met him in Costa and I never felt like I had a choice in going back to his,” second year UoN student Sam explains. “I didn’t have a choice in doing what he wanted me to. The worst of the manipulation happened well before we had sex.”
A common theme in media portrayals and BDSM abuse stories is the blurring of boundaries between sexual role and day-to-day personality. Abusive doms are just as domineering when outside the bedroom. In Fifty Shades BDSM becomes part metaphor for the control Christian has over Ana’s life in general.
“A common theme in media portrayals and BDSM abuse stories is the blurring of boundaries between sexual role and day-to-day personality.”
“I was involved with an abusive person for several months and I found that, for him, the BDSM wasn’t really about fetish or sexual gratification, but about letting out his desire to be dominant over others,” ex-UoN student Emily explains. “It formed one part of a wider campaign to make me psychologically subservient to him.”
Among community members the same problem is seen. A second year UoN student has on her FetLife profile “if you’re messaging someone and they say no, it is 100% incorrect to try and exert your dominance over them to remove their basic right to say no.” When I asked her about experiences she’d had like this, she replied “I’ve got so many it’s insane.”
Even while some members of the community are trying to distance the practice of BDSM from Fifty Shades, very little in policy is actually changing to make the scene the safe haven it ought to be. Fetlife’s terms of use prohibit any discussion of abuse that isn’t suitably vague. Munches (real life meet-ups) frequently have policies of “if you don’t like someone, don’t turn up”; hardly helpful advice.
“Even while some members of the community are trying to distance the practice of BDSM from Fifty Shades, very little in policy is actually changing to make the scene the safe haven it ought to be”
A recent post in a Midlands subgroup talks of an abusive kink photographer. “The negotiation started fine and has now become abusive, simply demanding sexual acts. When the model insisted on bringing me as a chaperone, he refused to meet and demanded it be alone or nothing.” However, among the many replies grateful of the post were warnings about FetLife policy, and a user advising the poster to “not point fingers”.
16-25 is the most common age range for BDSM participation, and it is also the most common age range generally for being the victim of abuse. Young people deserve better portrayals, better information, and more respect around these topics. Until that happens, the most harmful aspect of the Fifty Shades franchise may not be its inaccuracies, but rather that the abuse narrative underpinning it is, for many students, very accurate indeed.
Kieran Child
Image from 50 Shades of Grey, via nydailynews.com
I am glad to see so many BDSM and kink positive articles appearing in response to the backlash from these books and films, however there are some patterns that concern me. One is that the concept of BDSM is only okay in the bedroom. I am in a 24/7 relationship, and I get that we are a minority, but there is nothing more wrong with us than with those who only use it as part of sexual pleasure/play. A second article indicated that it was impossible to do 24/7, which is also not true. No, I can’t be tied to a bed 24/7 (nor would I want to be), but I am always in service to my master, yes, even at work or handling normal day to day responsibilities. That doesn’t make me a doormat either. We have day to day nonsexual rituals that we follow and I take care of many things around our home as part of my service to him (to be clear, we share a lot of the responsibilities), I serve him coffee, etc. His is the final authority on decisions, but everything is done with consideration of his happiness/wellbeing, my happiness/wellbeing, our happiness, and our safety in mind – in no particular order, it all matters. As a submissive I don’t lose the ability to question that because I am still a cognizant adult. These are things that apply in and out of the bedroom. As a submissive to whatever degree, if you start to doubt these things or if there is blatant disregard for them, that might be where you might want to consider whether or not your relationship is in that grey area (that word has been forever negatively associated for me now!) and might be crossing lines into unhealthy territory.
Thanks for the reply Silverwolf. I had hoped to get an interview with someone in a 24/7 ds relationship, but none came forwards.
I think the biggest thing portrayals like 50 shades impact is the first steps in BDSM. The people most at risk are the interested newcomers. If someone has tried out different lengths of play previously, and wants to go for 24/7, then absolutely go for it!
An issue is when this 24/7 relationship is assumed from the start. In 50 shades the very first interaction is a manipulative one. In Sam’s story above the very first conversation was a manipulative one. A 24/7 relationship shouldn’t be the first step. (If it is and it goes well, then this is just a couple who got very lucky).
Big apologies for my clumsy wording on “Abusive doms are just as domineering when outside the bedroom.” By ‘outside the bedroom’ I really meant outside of enthusiastically consensual kinks. If someone wants to be dominated outside the bedroom, then that is fine, and can be enjoyed safely.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
I see a problem is that people want to pretend that pretending to be something is just pretending, or that you are making a choice. If you want to experience being a sub, but would like to not be completely brain washed, how can you actually protect yourself from this.
Once you start acting as someone’s sub, doing everything they tell you to, and always being subservient you can eventually become trapped as a SUB forever and completely lose your ability to control yourself.
You are basically inviting indoctrination, the point is that if the relationship ever became bad for you, you would never know. You will defend the situation, see others who try to extract you from it as wanting to “change” you.
The whole point of indoctrination is to convince someone that they are the one making the choice to do what you want. There have been actors who talked about how playing a character for a very long period of time led them to start thinking like the character almost believing they were the character, in some cases it has led to a mental collapse and suicide.
In the past if you saw someone being mentally abused, like husband who controls and dominates his wife, you would try to extract them from the situation and even in the case of physical abuse the victim will often defend their abuser.
How will you tell the difference between someone “choosing” to be abused as a part of a caring relationship, or someone that is just being abused and brain washed?
Is a heroin addict choosing to continue in a destructive life? They would argue all kinds of things (I have myself been addicted to a drug before), you rationalize it and say the drug helps you experience things, that other people just don’t understand the drug, so on and so forth. This is common behavior, like well I just can’t be creative without this drug. I need it in my life. I understand myself.
We overwhelmingly have this problem where we start claiming that everything that is Counter Culture is somehow a good thing.
I am not saying Kinks are bad, and if you choose that you are okay with being dominated for the rest of your life then that is also possible. But I don’t think people really understand that if you pretend to be something all the time you can BECOME that thing, and there may be no going back if you ever wanted to.
If the person you picked was not really a good person or caring, but just manipulative, once they have you, they may totally change your life and use you. You may not be able to retain enough sense of self to escape.
Talk to prisoners who are terrified of freedom if they spend too much time inside. Do you think they are making a life choice to hate freedom and it is good for them?